I would like to pose a question: if a man does not view a woman as his equal, is he capable of loving her romantically, or will he remain forever limited by sexual and familial love? This question was sparked in my mind after an experience I had in a college-level course on interpersonal communication. In class yesterday, we had a discussion surrounding the differences between male and female brains, experiences, and communication styles. The intention for this discussion was to show the flaws in communication across styles to allow room for better communication and greater respect moving forward. The opposite happened.

I was made aware at an early age that misogyny is alive and well in the world, but I have been grateful to have most of it not affect me directly. Sure, I had an eating disorder and PTSD from men, but other women have been treated far worse than me. Beyond that, I surround myself with people who are not misogynistic. Or at least I believed that I did. 

Upon the start of class, I soon realized that I was out of my depth. Not for lack of knowledge, I had done thorough research, but for lack of assistance. Sitting at my table was not the girl I had come to lean on through the class for support, but three men whom I had never spoken to before. Every girl knows this fear: you’re sitting alone at a table and then find yourself surrounded by men who are smiling at you as if they know you. Well, that was my reality. I knew immediately that this was not a situation I wanted to be in, as everyone had posted the discussion questions before the start of class.

The questions posed by the women in the class all followed a similar trend: “What would the world look like if we were seen as equals?” The men in the class had their own trend with very few deviations. Their questions looked a little more like, “Why do women think change should happen when everything is already great?” or, “When will women realize that men have it worse than them?” Are these the questions of men who love their partners?

Before beginning the discussion, the professor showed a video. It is a familiar one of a couple speaking to each other. The woman is expressing how she feels in an honest and vulnerable way, and the man is listening. Then, the camera pans, and you see that she has a nail in her head, and that is the issue she is describing. She then refuses to accept help from the man, as he has an obvious solution.

The video is painted as comedic, and the woman is portrayed as an idiot. The entire time, the men in the class were erupting in laughter, and as I looked across the room, all of the women were wearing the same uncomfortable look. The professor then asked, “How accurate is this video?” The men all gleefully shouted its accuracy, disparaging their wives and the women in the video. General claims of women all being the same and refusing to solve problems were echoed. Again, I wondered at the depth of love they had in their relationships.

It was then that the professor indicated that it was time to begin discussing the questions that we had. My heart sank. Still, I told myself that this would be a great opportunity to teach and to learn. Maybe by understanding their unique perspectives, I could better understand how to appropriately answer their questions. Then they started asking.

One of the men looked me straight in the eye and asked, “Do girls get hungry?” I was stunned at the question and asked him both what he was asking and why he was asking it. After several minutes of him repeating himself and then piling on more questions, “Do you eat?” and “How often do you eat?” I finally got to the root of the question. He did not understand that when he was hungry and wanted his wife to cook for him, she was not always hungry as well. The answer he drew from this was that women must not experience hunger. At all.

He was shocked by my response that if she was not hungry, he could simply cook for himself. The other men in the group looked at me as though I had grown three heads. The idea that this fight that they all admitted to having had did not need to be a fight at all seemed borderline blasphemous. Then they rushed to their own defenses, and they did cook, and their wives were simply crazy or did not experience the same things that they did.

When it was finally my turn to ask, I found myself hesitating. We were all instructed to form these questions after watching several scientific videos and reading several studies. They were supposed to be thought-provoking and relevant to the prep material. My question was, “If the male thought process was not valued higher than the female thought process, how would that reflect in our current society?” The base of the question is, if connecting and collaborating were viewed as equal in importance to problem-solving, what would that mean for our day-to-day lives? 

I had been looking forward to discussing this when I wrote it, anticipating a balanced group and a thoughtful discussion. However, after listening to their questions that were as insulting as they were irrelevant, I did not want to bring my questions forward. After gathering my courage for a moment, I asked. I did not want to lose points in the class for lack of participation, and I also held a fragment of hope that maybe a discussion could still be possible.

That hope was quickly shattered. Before I could finish asking my question, I was met with laughter. Confused, I asked them why they were laughing and what their answers were. After composing themselves, they said, “Society would crumble. Nothing would get done. Everything would fall apart.” I was stunned, to say the least. 

I paused before responding, “Do you think women are incapable of solving problems?” This was, apparently, the wrong thing to ask. Over the next five minutes, I found myself being cut off every time I attempted to speak. They all attempted to repeat my question to me, to prove that they were correct. Each time they did so, they had altered the question to fit their answers. Over and over, I repeated myself and rephrased, hoping that they had simply misunderstood me. Over and over, they proved that they had no interest in hearing me.

It was then that I began to laugh, remembering that one of the studies we had read was on this very subject. Brigham Young University conducted a study showing that women’s voices were simply not valued. The study showed that having a seat at a table did not equate to having a voice. The women in the study were consistently highly educated experts in their field, yet their opinions were discarded. The study went on to show that less-qualified men, speaking in the same meetings, were treated with more respect. Their opinions were given greater consideration. The study concluded by saying that no woman should be alone in a meeting of men, or her voice would simply not be considered.

When I realized that there was finally room for me to talk, as the men in my group were so confused by my laughter, I reminded them of this. I reminded them of the study and simply said, “Thank you, boys, for providing me with a real-world example.” They paused, agreed with me, and fell silent. There was never any discussion. No consideration for the question or for their actions. After a pause, they moved on in their conversation, and I left the class, unwilling to continue being disrespected.

It is now that I will again pose my question. If a man does not view a woman as his equal, is he capable of loving her romantically, or will he remain forever limited by sexual and familial love? These men loved their wives, yet they did not see them as equals. They did not respect their opinions or experiences. In fact, they took joy in shaming them where they could not defend themselves. This is not romantic love. If a man cannot see a woman as a person, how can he ever feel romantic love toward her?

There is a growing awareness of a form of manipulation within relationships called weaponized incompetence. Weaponized incompetence is purposefully not learning to do something that you are capable of or using that lack of knowledge to leverage responsibility. It is predominantly done by men. Some simple examples are failing to pick up the needed groceries, incorrectly washing the dishes, or damaging clothes while doing the laundry. Any tasks that they deem to be feminine usually fall within this realm.

As this issue has been brought to light, many women have shared their own experiences with this. The most common is that these women start to see their partners as children. They are forced to care for them as a child, and as such, they stop feeling sexual attraction to them. These women, who previously felt romantic and sexual love for their partners, lose that as soon as equality in the relationship is lost.

This further supports my belief that romantic love is only possible in an equal partnership. If you see your partner as less than you, then you are not capable of the respect required for romantic love to form. If we as a society continue to ignore the dangers of that mentality, we will continue to see divorce rates rise and marriage rates fall as these women simply stop tolerating it. As they realize that being single is a far better alternative than being a caretaker for a grown man who still does not see them as people.